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08:59pm 31/05/2011
 
 
Red Jester
My brother recently moved out of my parents' house after crashing there for a year and a half. My parents haven't been able to get a hold of him on the phone since he moved out (to a girlfriend's apartment nearby). So, my dad went out today to try to track him down. He wasn't at work. My dad's car (which he stupidly loaned my brother) was at the apartment building, but no-one opened the door.

Five minutes later, my brother called my mom and acted like nothing was wrong. Was cheerful, and then the phone cut off when my mom asked him why he wasn't at work. The phone is now going directly to voicemail.

My mom is terrified that he's doing drugs. She said he didn't sound drunk, because he wasn't being mean, but he definitely didn't sound right. I wouldn't doubt it. ... but I hope to god she's wrong. She said it sounded like he called because he saw my dad at the apartments, but then he was confused about why he called.

I've finally gotten my shit together, and now I'm having to watch my parents go through it all over again with my older brother. I know what I've put them through. It tore them up. But I'm really angry at my brother for doing the same thing. I think I'm so angry at him because he isn't even trying. That, and he's an egotistical, narcissistic bastard most of the time.

He thinks it's fun to make my mom cry. It's like a sport for him. Grumble. Grumble. Angry-pants. And I'm still uber-mad at him for not taking good care of my dog and threatening to do stupid shit to her. I'm going to go there once again and say that he's an asshole. I can't believe my parents were stupid enough to lend him their car. I won't be surprised if they never get it back.
mood: angryangry
 
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(no subject)  
01:48am 30/05/2011
 
 
Red Jester
Today at work: Watched a woman's power wheelchair take off and slam her into her dresser; Was vomited on; Got locked in a room alone with a man who has previously sexually assaulted me.

That all happened in 15 minutes. The rest of the night seemed really good by comparison.
mood: tiredtired
 
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(no subject)  
01:28am 29/05/2011
 
 
Red Jester
Also just remembered. Last night some of us were yucking it up on break about stupid shit we had to deal with at work. I was actually bonding. Bonding! I felt like a valued member of the group even though I only work there every other weekend. I said at one point, "When you can't laugh at this shit, then you're really screwed."

Later one of the girls said to me, "Yeah. You won't be so happy-go-lucky once you've worked here awhile."

I wanted to kick her in the proverbial balls. She's always full of negative shit. I was angry at her for trying to tell me this job would make me as spitefull as she is. It almost seemed like she was trying to justify her attitude.

Nobody should work at a job they can't laugh at. If you've lost the ability to laugh, then it's your own damn fault for staying. She's tried to draw me over to her dark side before, and it's kind of gross. I'm going to be partnered with her for the entire shift tomorrow. I bet I'll be laughing like hell at her by the end of it.
mood: annoyedannoyed
 
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(no subject)  
12:59am 29/05/2011
 
 
Red Jester
Forgot to mention one really funny thing from work.

I walked into a resident's room, and saw something on his table that looked like beef jerky. I've worked as a dog trainer before, though, and I immediately recognized it for what it was. I held it up and said, "Harry. Is this a dog treat?!?"

He laughed and tried to tell me they're delicious. I'm not sure how it got into his room, but I know he wasn't going to eat it.

I'm going to have to question his wife tomorrow when I see her about sneaking dogs into his room. I'll give her a thumbs up and tell her to continue. XD
mood: amusedamused
 
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(no subject)  
12:10am 29/05/2011
 
 
Red Jester
Ah. Forget to mention how work went today.

Poop.

There. Was. Poop. Everywhere.

I think that about sums up the nursing home today.
mood: chipperchipper
 
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(no subject)  
12:08am 29/05/2011
 
 
Red Jester
I've been going to AA meetings in this town off-and-on for almost two years. Some of the people there I actually know fairly well (by my hermit standards). I've gone to three meetings in the past two days in an attempt to get my head straight, and I've gotten a warm welcome by everyone who remembers me. I suddenly realize that the vast majority of people who remember me are men over 45. ... For some odd reason that's the demographic I'm most comfortable with. Hn.

One woman remembered me. One guy around my age remembered me. The guy's a really good looking young man with a huge heart and mad volunteer skills. He's very social and has a good head on his shoulders, but I've never talked to him before because I tagged him as "out of my league for friendship."

Today we talked one-on-one for half an hour after the meeting, and I found myself oh dear gods flirting. I don't flirt. I don't flirt because I never talk to people one-on-one unless it's a clinical setting. I wasn't even doing that "eyes darting around looking for an exit" thing. I wasn't panicking.

I think I took the first step towards making a friend! I haven't made a friend in 10 years! That's not exaggerating. While we were talking I actually felt like a normal person.

One person at meetings who always remembers me is my rehab counselor's sponsor. He always makes me feel welcome and important. He also kind of hits on me (which wouldn't creep me out so much if I didn't also know his history of womanizing). Is it strange that I know my counselor from rehab's sponsor? Is it strange that he knows me and knows his sponsee was my counselor? I also know that counselor's wife pretty well. She's super hot. Welcome to Recovery in a small town. Sometimes it feels incestuous and just gets creepy.
mood: tiredtired
 
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Angel  
10:10pm 25/05/2011
 
 
Red Jester
One of my friends move out of town on Monday. I've been... struggling with the whole situation. She gave up her baby to DHS (he's the only baby I've ever bonded with, and the only one I've ever babysat. He's 14 months old, and I love him dearly), packed up her stuff, and left the homeless shelter here in town.

I'm mad at her. I'm super pissed. Her little boy is an angel, and he has been her life-line. She loves him so much.

But she decided that going back to her tribe (she's Native American) was more important to her. She's also an alcoholic with just over a year of sobriety. I don't know. I just don't understand it. The last thing I said to her was, "I don't support your decision. I'm really scared."

Her son has this smile... It makes him look like a toothless little old man. Absolutely adorable.

I'm not sure if I can get up the guts to call her. I just texted her a generic, "How are you doing?"

I love her. She's a wonderful woman. I've always respected her, and she makes me laugh. But she just gave up her little baby. She literally handed him to DHS. I'm so angry. And sad. And just screwed up about it. I've spent the last couple days trying to pretend that it didn't even happen.

Perhaps it's part of the reason that I've been drinking this week. I talked to my case manager this morning about my bad decisions and how I felt about my friend leaving. It was a hard conversation to have because my friend had the same case manager. There are confidentiality issues, and I didn't want my case manager to feel like I was pumping her for information or anything what else would i be pumping you for?. So we just scratched the surface.

I even held that baby numerous times. And, let me tell you, I don't hold babies. I leave them strapped into their carriers. My mom sent me a Christmas card, and I let the baby chew on it and look at the puppies on the cover. I still have his little tooth marks. He's going to grow up without his amazing mama. She is an amazing mama when she's not making stupid decisions like this. Until this week, I would have called her *over*protective.

Grr. Argh. The whole situation is just so messed up. And before anyone tries to say young moms are stupid, this woman is 40. She's not a kid. How could she do this?
mood: crushedcrushed
 
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Breakdown?  
12:14am 25/05/2011
 
 
Red Jester
Today was mostly unimportant. Lots of crazy customers, though.

I have one coworker from Poland who is completely outspoken. She has very little tact, and it cracks me up. It also amuses her that I will laugh at things that others consider "bitchy."

Tonight, at the end of her shift, I simply said, "Yeah. I was wondering when you were going to get the hell out of here." I counted this comment as cheesy work humor. Ms. Poland and I laughed. A manager happened to be standing there and looked at me like she was afraid I was about to be shot. Ms. Poland actually laughed harder when she saw the manager's facial expression.

For some reason, all the other employees are deathly afraid of this woman. However, she just has no tact and will straight up tell it to you like it is. I trained the new employees to get along with her by saying, "Give her shit. It's hilarious because she usually takes it seriously." Ms. Poland was standing right there (I think I actually interrupted her mid-serious-training-speech). She has a wicked sense of humor that other people don't give her credit for.

We get along because she knows I respect her knowledge of the store. She also knows I work my ass off. I don't know... I guess I'm really PROUD that I get along with her so well. Some days she says things that I could totally use to cut myself down. And she's kinda mean about the way she says it. But I also know that she will back me up any time I need it. She's just as straight forward about telling me when she thinks I'm doing a good job.

I've brought this woman up multiple times when talking to my case manager. I want to be more like Ms. Poland. Is it odd that I want to be more like someone that most of my coworkers are seriously intimidated by? She's honest. No doubt. And she doesn't care how anyone else feels about her honesty. She trusts herself enough not to let others' opinions affect her. I think that's fairly awesome. I'm working on sprinkling some tact in there to create a real-world working personality.

Yes. Hn. Yes. I'm currently working on pasting together a public persona for myself based on people I respect. This effort is supported by mental health staff. Seems strange, huh? But it's working really well. It got me an A++ review and raise at one job, and it's got me training new employees at the other.

And it doesn't feel "fake." Sometimes I have to force it, but usually I fall right into the act, and it's comfortable after a couple of seconds. There are still issues with conflict, though. When someone directly opposes/accuses/confronts me, then I want to cave like a Joplin house too soon?.

This whole training thing is becoming an issue. I've become a "role model." Ish. I tend to crash under expectations. However, oddly enough, if no one expects anything of me then I'm totally brilliant. That's why I tend to be fast-tracked for things... but then dropped soon after. Actually, I usually run away soon after. So, I'm in a danger zone right now.

The difference this time, though, is that I've been totally comfortable looking completely clueless. I'm gaining an odd amount of confidence from saying, "I don't know" and "let's try this."

Right. That was the post born of "Today was mostly unimportant." When things aren't happening, my brain runs haywire. Sorry.
mood: pensivepensive
 
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(no subject)  
10:58pm 23/05/2011
 
 
Red Jester
Homemade Green Beans Almondine with fresh beans. Mmmm... I spent all day looking forward to this. Sometimes it's the little things.
mood: contentcontent
 
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(no subject)  
05:54am 23/05/2011
 
 
Red Jester
Wondering if I could go to the music store across the street from my apartment and trade my trumpet (brass instruments make my lips numb, and I've never been one for playing it in apartments) and one of my violins (thereally beat up one) for a cello...
mood: curiouscurious
music: I enjoyed slicing around his organs, thought about sending you one.
 
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