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01:09am 16/08/2011
Red Jester
I had another moment (it actually lasted about an hour...) of honesty from someone tonight that I appreciated even more.

I go to about five hours of group therapy a week (yeah, a lot). I'm under a mental health outpatient commitment right now. Yet, when I'm in group, my counselor refers to me as though I'm another counselor. When people were slacking off and not participating, she called me in to raise the stakes.

Someone had the guts today to call me on it. She said that I keep relapsing on drinking, but I'm always the go-to person for answers and advice in the group. She pointed out the dichotomy bluntly and realistically.

Tonight she's worried that I'm mad at her. And I'm so very very not. In fact, I respect her so much more for saying it. She made me cry when I responded to her, and I don't cry in front of people very often. I've been wanting somebody to call me on my shit for a while, and nobody's been doing it.

Here's how I take criticism. I was a ballet dancer for 18 years. In junior high I noticed that the dancers who were no good, the ones who had no hope, never got criticism or correction from the teachers. They were given up on. There was no hope. So if I went an entire exercise without correction, I took offense. If nobody pointed out what I was doing wrong, then that meant that they didn't believe I could fix my problems.

I take criticism as hope and belief in me. I was super proud of this woman for speaking up "against" me. Nobody ever questions me. I'm so very good at being an authority. I'll admit that while she was speaking I was biting back some nasty comments... But those nasty comments were just more of my lies. They would have sounded totally valid, and everyone would have bought into them.

Give me ten minutes and I could pull up scientific facts and bullshit to convince you that the sky is green. I got called on it today. Thank the Gods for that.

I even texted with that woman tonight. I made a social connection totally voluntarily. This chick is forcing me to make a friend, and that's amazing. I haven't had a friend in at least five years! But I seriously believe this woman cares about me for no selfish reason.

Her guts are forcing me to be human. I'm... slowly... becoming... human...
mood: lovedloved
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